Mellowing

You know, there was a time when I felt like I could do just about anything I want. It was as if I had something inside of me that fueled me to do things that are at times, rather unethical and unjust. It took away my conscience and my sense of morality (if there ever was one). It made me say and did things I regretted.

With a clear mind and roughly three cups of extra strong coffee, I can know see the reason why I acted this way.

I was fueled by anger.

Anger is an emotion which can be both beneficial or catastrophic. In my case it was more of the latter.

The reason why I was so angry, well that’s another story to tell for another time. The story that I am about to tell is how anger helped me and at the same time took quite a lot from me both emotionally and mentally.

In the beginning, anger helped me zone out all other emotions and sense of helplessness when I felt it at its worst not too long ago. Some how I feel that somewhere down the line, I may need to call upon it again when the time comes.

Anyway, as I let my anger run its course unchecked, I realized that although it acted as a shield against the so-called ‘sappy emotions’ it also prevented me in experiencing many other things in life that are both wonderful and worthwhile.

Being angry took its toll on me. I was feeling tired day in and day out especially when I’m away from my family. I was driven by this force to get what I want no matter what the cost, and often to tell the truth, I seldom did achieve what I desired.

For two years of letting something so small cause so much anger is pretty stupid and it shows.

This so called ‘shield’ caused me to not exactly alienate myself from other people but rather to keep my distance from them. I was wary about everybody and everything. I was worried about people finding out my weaknesses. Because if they do find out, a lot of pain together with a lot of anger is involved and the whole vicious cycle begins again.

Lately when I hear myself talk, (boast if you will) about certain things like picking up chicks and stuff, I stop and thought to myself “What the hell am I saying?”. I don’t know nuts about maintaining a relationship.

All I know, is how to smile, compliment a girl on her dress/ear rings/ necklace/shoes/etc, ask how is she doing, hope she had a great day and if my game is on, charm her and make her laugh and my lame jokes.

Through observation if you will, I noticed that a relationship is based on a lot of communication and to build that bridge you need to have a lot of trust between the two.

How do I relate this to anger? Well anger like I said earlier on, acts as a shield against certain aspects. One of which is trust.

I no longer have the ability to fully trust another person, especially if it’s a girl I really like. Sure it may protect me, but in the long run I’m going to feel a whole lot of suffering.

Quite recently though, I felt that I have mellowed down a lot. I don’t tend to feel the pressure to make an impression on any girl I see. Hey its not like I’m getting gay or anything like that, I just don’t get the point. Like why should I care if a girl is interested in me or not? If they are, then good ( and might I say that they have rather good taste, hahaha ). If they don’t then so what? Is it the end of the world? Hell no!! There are other mountains to climb and feats of mythical proportions to fulfill.

So allow me to tell you what I’m going to do. I’m just going to be myself and act as a proper gentleman and treat a girl with both respect and courtesy. Maybe with some luck I may be a nicer person to everyone I meet and I perhaps actually be a good guy, impossible as it seems. Most importantly though, I will no longer let anger control my life. However, I will use it as a tool when the situation requires it. Finally, by golly if it takes years, then years it shall be, I will learn to trust a girl that I genuinely like (and not for her body and a pretty face mind you) and maybe start a real, honest-to-goodness relationship.

But till then I’m still single, and I have certain obligations to fulfill ….. if you detect the aroma of my culinary efforts. Haha

Till next time

P.S: If this strategy fails then there is always that mail order bride available on the

Internet.